Launi Prowls, Snatches YPGA Open Victory

Sunday, June 9, 2019 was marked by a crisp morning, birds chirping, sun radiating, and 16 erections (actually 15, more on that later) laid ready for what was to come on the afternoon links at Glen Mills Golf Course.  A first for the YPGA, no rain marred a picturesque day. However, upon arriving at the course, the electricity of course was out affecting payments and prevented half of the members from loosening up on the range. It’s all good, we got 100 beers on ice courtesy of D.G. Yuengling & Sons.   

On a day when most thought the rough would gobble up balls and lead to high scores, quite the opposite happened.  High handicappers like Grambo 5 and King Dave Rules posted low scores en route to top 3 finishes. Billy had too much sex the night before the tournament and finished a few strokes behind the leader.  Paul Koch turned in another dismal performance while Carney looked good….and that’s about it. Matt Kelly was disastrous with shanks, hooks, 4-putts, duffs, and failing to hit passed the ladies tees on numerous occasions.  Ok, only one of those things actually happened to Matt. Vince’s lessons from Radley Run pro, Brett, seem to be helping as he posted a respectable 91. Andy enjoyed an up and down week posting his career best score then following it up with a 105.  Patitucci was frustrated all day (are you frustrated, huh? huh?) and posted a 109 while nearly throwing 6 clubs and almost breaking 2 others. Keep swinging for the fences though Mike. Tag had a respectable rookie showing with nice drives and dog shit for a short game.  Welcome to the Tour, Tag! Consistency Chris Meyer posted a boring 86…again. Shoot a different score Chris! Although, he again posted a T-3 and puts him in position to win the Executive Cup at the end of the year.

Now, to the winner, Sir Matthew Launi.  Launi started the day flashing his Easter Sunday outfit.  Bright pastel colors and a shit eating grin all day. Matt is well-liked on the Tour as a newcomer and is always just happy to be there.  He posted a birdie on Hole #1 and never looked book. His day was marked by unremarkable tee shots into trouble zones followed by laser approach shots.  He held off the field and a front 9 charge from King Dave Rules and posted a blistering 82 to claim the 2019 YPGA Open. Matt has now gone First Place and Second Place in the two YPGA events this year and is primed to take home the plaid jacket unless Meyer’s dad game has anything to say about it.  

Quick Hitters

Top Gross Score:  Matt Launi (82)

Worst Gross Score: Mike Sabara (128)

Best Newcomer Score: Joe Reel (109)

Almost On Course Retirement:  Mike Sabara

Most Temper Tantrums:  Mike Patitucci (9)

Sponsored Beer:  D.G. Yuengling & Sons Golden Pilsner and Yuengling Light

Most Predictable Score:  Meyer (86)

WTF Was That:  Matt Kelly (85)

Best Shotgunnable Beer:  Yuengling Light

Worst Shotgunnable Beer:  Musselman’s Heineken

Most Likely To Undergo a Strokes Revision:  Matt Launi

Biggest Disappointment:  Paul Koch (90)

Thank You For Shopping:  Mike Patitucci – sporting some new Under Armour Golf Gear

Lowest T:  Billy (emptying the chamber twice the night before a major is a no-no)

Most Likely To Recommend The Great Gatsby to His Literature Class:  Paul Koch

Funny Stories That Happened: 0

Grade of this Recap: F

In conclusion, everyone needs to stop taking these events so seriously and do more ridiculous shit.

Final Leaderboard1M. Launi2D. KingT3B. KellyT3C. MeyerT3E. Grambo6V. Sobocinski7N. KraynakT8M. MusselmanT8D. Carney10P. Koch11M. KellyT12A. KotulkaT12J. Reel14M. Patitucci15Tag16M. Sabara